


Ceiling of Stars

by DizzyTango



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Strangers to Lovers, Texting, Writing this depressed me, tagging is hard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-22 15:55:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17665589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DizzyTango/pseuds/DizzyTango
Summary: In the wake of the death of one of his best friends, Kihyun texts his number daily as a way of coping with his grief. The last thing he expects months later is for someone to begin texting back. And he certainly doesn’t expect that person to help him begin to heal.Or - The texts Hoseok receives to his new phone number break his heart and he gradually finds himself falling for the man who bares his soul from the other line.





	Ceiling of Stars

**+82 2 514 1122  
** **NOV 3, 2017**

 

[20:34]  
Hey, Hyungwon said you would be here by now.  
  
[20:35]  
Where are you?

 

**< 2 Missed Calls>  
** **< +1 New Voicemail>**

 

[20:40]  
We’re going to leave without you.  
  
[21:45]  
Hello?

 

**< 1 Missed Call>**

 

[20:51]  
Fine.  
We’ll be at the bar.

 

**< 1 Missed Call>**

 

[23:14]  
Changkyun.  
Hey, you little shit.  
It’s been hours.  
  
[23:15]  
Call one of us.  
  
[23:50]  
Please.

 

**< 1 Missed Call>  
** **< +1 New Voicemail>**

**_< Delivered>_ **

 

 

****  
  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **NOV 4, 2017**

 

[8:56]  
Hey, what happened last night?  
  
[8:57]  
Did you lose your phone or something?  
  
[9:04]  
Minhyuk’s a little upset.  
  
[9:06]  
It was his birthday after all.  
You know this meant a lot to him.  
  
[9:12]  
I figure something came up at school.  
  
[11:34]  
Why aren’t you answering me?  
Seriously.  
  
[12:51]  
Are you really still mad about yesterday?  
Grow up.  
  
[14:13]  
Call me.  
  
[14:14]  
Please.

**_< Delivered>_ **

  
  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **NOV 5, 2017**

 

**< 5 Missed Calls>  
** **< +2 New Voicemails>**

[15:11]  
Message me back.  
Now.  
They’re wrong.

 

**< 6 Missed Calls>**

 

[15:13]  
You’re fine.

 

**< 10 Missed Calls>  
** **< +2 New Voicemails>**

 

[15:20]  
I know you are.

 

**< 6 Missed Calls>**

 

[15:24]  
This isn’t funny anymore.

 

**< 3 Missed Calls>  
** **< +1 New Voicemails>**

 

[15:30]  
Changkyun.

 

**< 13 Missed Calls>  
** **< +6 New Voicemails>**

 

[15:51]  
Please.

**_< Delivered>_ **

  
  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **NOV 6, 2017**

 

[11:12]  
Your mom called yesterday.  
  
[11:13]  
She told us the news.  
  
[11:23]  
I don’t even know why I’m texting you.  
  
[11:24]  
What do I expect?  
That you’ll text me back?  
  
[11:30]  
Minhyuk feels like it’s all his fault.  
  
[11:31]  
We can’t get him to stop crying.  
  
[11:45]  
I can’t stop either.  
  
[12:04]  
How could this happen?  
  
[13:01]  
They said when they found your phone in your car, you’d been trying to call someone.  
  
[13:02]  
Was it me?  
  
[13:04]  
Did I do this?  
  
[17:39]  
Was it me?

**_< Delivered>_ **

  
  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **NOV 7, 2017**

 

[2:12]  
What the fuck do I do?  
  
[2:13]  
What can I do, Changkyun?  
  
[2:16]  
Please.  
  
[3:17]  
I wish you could tell me.  
I wish you could tell me how to change this.  
I wish I could fix it.  
  
[6:10]  
What do I do?  
  
[23:25]  
What do I do?

**_< Delivered>_ **

  
  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **NOV 8, 2017**

[18:01]  
The funeral was today.  
  
[18:02]  
It was the first time I’ve seen your parents since they moved back to the States.  
  
[18:03]  
They were so gracious.  
  
[18:04]  
They kept thanking us for taking care of you.  
But what would they say if they knew?  
  
[18:05]  
What would they say if they knew it might have been because of me?  
  
[18:06]  
What if they knew it was probably me that distracted you?  
  
[18:07]  
What if they knew it was because of me that you crashed?  
  
[18:10]  
What if I took you from them?  
  
[18:14]  
What if I’m the reason I’ll never see you again?

**_< Delivered>_ **

  
  
  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **NOV 10, 2017**

[15:24]  
I made you that monstrosity you always ask for when you come by the cafe.  
  
[15:26]  
I always tell you we’re not a Starbucks  
We don’t do frappuccinos.  
  
[15:27]  
But you always ask.  
*asked  
Like a goddamn 10 year old.  
  
[15:29]  
Well I made it.  
And I set it at the end of the bar.  
Like you’d come pick it up before class.  
Even though I knew you wouldn’t.  
  
[15:30]  
And I watched it melt.  
  
[15:31]  
When Gunhee went to throw it away, I yelled at him.  
  
[15:35]  
Hyunwoo says if I don’t talk to Someone, he’s going to cut my hours.  
When he says Someone like that, you can hear it capitalized.  
‘Someone’.  
He means a therapist.  
  
[15:37]  
You know how I feel about that kind of stuff.  
But maybe I will.  
  
[15:38]  
Minhyuk’s been seeing Someone.  
  
[15:39]  
I think Hyungwon has been too.  
But you know he’d never admit it.  
  
[15:44]  
Why should I talk to Someone else?  
I can still technically talk to you.  
Sort of.  
  
[18:36]  
I miss you.

**_< Delivered>_ **

  
  
  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **NOV 13, 2017**

[11:51]  
I went to see someone.  
*Someone  
  
[11:52]  
A therapist.  
  
[11:53]  
Hyunwoo was serious.  
He cut me out of the schedule.  
Said he’d pay me anyway.  
But that he’d fire me if I came in  
And not to come back until I saw Someone.  
  
[11:55]  
I know he wouldn’t fire me.  
You know that too.  
He’s too soft for that.  
  
[11:57]  
Maybe I do need time.  
  
[11:58]  
But I also need to work.  
I don’t have anything else.  
  
[12:01]  
I’m sitting at home staring at the ceiling.  
  
[12:10]  
Remember that time you came and stuck glow-in-the-dark stars all over my bedroom ceiling?  
  
[12:11]  
And I yelled and said the adhesive would leave spots?  
  
[12:12]  
I never took them down.  
  
[12:13]  
It’s dark enough in here that they’re glowing.  
  
[12:14]  
It’s calming.  
It’s like you’re here with me.  
  
[12:17]  
Is it calming where you are?  
  
[12:18]  
I hope there are stars there too.  
  
[13:15]  
I miss you.

**_< Delivered>_ **

  
  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **NOV 15, 2017**

 

[3:02]  
Why am I doing this to myself?  
  
[3:06]  
Sometimes my phone goes off  
And I look  
And part of me expects it to be you.  
  
[3:10]  
I told Someone about this.  
  
[3:11]  
That I was texting you.  
  
[3:12]  
I thought he’d tell me I’m crazy.  
Maybe try and commit me.  
You know what he said?  
  
[3:13]  
“Maybe it’s good for you.”  
“Maybe you just have a lot of things to say.”  
“Things you never got to tell him.”  
  
[3:20]  
He’s right.  
  
[3:23]  
There are a lot of things.  
Too many things.  
And I don’t think I’m ready to say them yet.

**_< Delivered>_ **

  
  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **NOV 20, 2017**

 

[10:24]  
Those things I’m not ready to say yet?  
I don’t think I’ll ever be.  
  
[10:25]  
Not after all of this.  
  
[10:26]  
Not now.  
  
[10:28]  
Not ever.

**_< Delivered>_ **

 

**+82 2 514 1122  
** **NOV 28, 2017**

 

[7:34]  
Hyunwoo let me come back to work.  
But I can feel him staring at me.  
  
[7:35]  
I can feel them all staring at me.  
Everyone knows that happened.  
  
[7:36]  
And they’re staring.  
Like I’m going to break.  
  
[7:39]  
… maybe I am.

**_< Delivered>_ **

  
  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **NOV 29, 2017**

 

[11:35]  
They said when it happened, it was instant.  
That you didn’t hurt  
That you weren’t scared.  
  
[11:36]  
How could they possibly know that?  
  
[11:37]  
And would they have even have told us if that wasn’t the case?

**_< Delivered>_ **

  
  
  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **DEC 1, 2017**

  


[00:12]  
I miss you

**_< Delivered>_ **

  
  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **DEC 6, 2017**

 

[21:13]  
Jooheon’s going to move in with us.  
He didn’t want to find someone else to take over your half of the lease.  
  
[21:14]  
I don’t blame him.  
  
[21:15]  
We should all be together.  
  
[21:16]  
We’re helping him pay to break the lease.  
Minhyuk, Hyungwon, and me.  
  
[21:17]  
Can you believe even after everything that happened, they’re still charging him to break it?  
He could never afford it with you gone.  
  
[21:31]  
Yoshi and Gucci are going to drive Minhyuk insane.  
But you and I both know he secretly adores them.  
  
[23:02]  
...we miss you.  
  
[23:05]  
Tonight’s the first time we’ve all been together and not cried.  
  
[23:59]  
Is it wrong that I feel guilty about that?

 

**_< Delivered>_ **

  
  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **DEC 8, 2017**

 

[02:37]  
fuck you, im changkyun.  
  
[02:38]  
That day on campus  
with your stupid freshman optimism  
and your stupid pretty nose  
and that stuupdi boston college hoodie  
  
[02:39]  
fuck boston college  
and fuck you too  
  
[02:40]  
if you hadn’t shown up  
i’d be okay right now  
  
[02:41]  
and minhyuk wuold be okay  
and hyungwon  
and jooheon  
adn all of us  
  
[02:42]  
and we never wuold have lost you  
and you would be out there right now  
bothering other hyungs  
  
[02:43]  
not YOUR hyungs  
not us  
But other hyungs  
and you wouldn’t be in my life  
  
[02:44]  
but you would still be somewhere  
  
[02:45]  
I KNOW I drank too much  
and Hyungwon says he’s going to take my phone  
And I;’m not ready for them to know i text you like this yet  
  
[02:26]  
But what if  
what if youd never asked me for directions that day  
would you still be out there??  
  
[02:27]  
somewhere?

**_< Delivered>_ **

  
  
  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **DEC 11, 2017**

  


[14:03]  
I’m a wreck  
  
[14:04]  
What the fuck is wrong with me  
Why can’t I move on?  
  
[14:05]  
It’s only been a month  
  
[14:06]  
I know I shouldn’t be totally okay  
Or even mostly okay  
Or sort of okay  
A little okay?  
  
[14:08]  
But I feel like I’m getting worse?  
  
[14:16]  
I keep thinking of the day before it happened  
When you drove me home  
And pulled to the shoulder.  
  
[14:17]  
And I thought you were mad at me.  
  
[14:18]  
Because you LOOKED mad.  
And I know that’s because sometimes you look intense.  
But you looked m a d.  
  
[14:19]  
And even now, I still wonder if you were  
Mad, I mean  
Even if not at me.  
  
[14:20]  
At yourself?  
  
[14:21]  
I didn’t react the best way.  
  
[14:22]  
I laughed?  
I think.  
Not at you.  
At… everything.  
  
[14:23]  
Why did you have to say that?  
Why couldn’t you leave things as they were?  
Why couldn’t they stay simple?  
  
[14:24]  
And why did it all happen right before I lost you?

**_< Delivered>_ **

  
  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **DEC 15, 2017**

  


[01:24]  
Do you remember that time we all went to Jeju?  
  
[01:25]  
...Okay, that’s a dumb way to phrase that.  
I was thinking about that time we all went to Jeju.  
  
[01:26]  
And we showed up and realized Jooheon had never actually booked the damn hotel.  
Like never hit the actual ‘Confirm’ button.  
  
[01:27]  
And it was the peak season.  
There was nothing available.  
So we camped on the beach.  
  
[01:28]  
‘Camped’ is a fancy term.  
We sprawled out in the sand with our suitcases.  
And we watched the sun set.  
And eventually fell asleep there.  
  
[01:29]  
We shouldn’t have, should we?  
In retrospect, they probably have a dozen laws against it.  
  
[01:30]  
But no one said anything.  
  
[01:31]  
The weather was so warm  
And it was perfect.  
  
[01:35]  
The stars above my bed remind me of the stars then.  
  
[01:36]  
I remember being pissed about the hotel but when I looked at them?  
I felt happy.  
Or was it because I was looking at you too?  
And looking at you look at them?  
And how happy you looked then too.  
  
[01:37]  
Happy memories are so hard to come by these days.  
But when I think about you being happy?  
I can pretend I’m happy too.  
  
[01:38]  
I really hope there are stars where you are.  
And I hope they make you as happy as the ones here.

**_< Delivered>_ **

  
  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **DEC 18, 2017**

 

[09:54]  
I miss you.  
  
[09:55]  
I text that all the time  
But that doesn’t make it any less true.  
It’s weird without you around.  
Quiet.  
  
[09:56]  
Even in the middle of work I half-expect you to randomly lean over the counter.  
  
[09:57]  
We get rushes of college students this time of day.  
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t expect to see you.  
Even Hyunwoo has said he expects to see you too.  
  
[09:58]  
Final exams are starting.  
You won’t be taking them this year.  
But it reminds me of how you used to bug me about that Master’s program.  
  
[09:59]  
Life is short.  
I know that now.  
Maybe I’ll give it a try.

**_< Delivered>_ **

  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **DEC 21, 2017**

 

[18:34]  
It’s almost Christmas.  
I can’t help but wonder what kind of weird traditions you’d be bugging me about if you were here.  
  
[18:39]  
Remember the year you dressed as Santa and scared Jooheon so bad he almost cried?  
I swear he was so mad he almost moved.  
  
[18:42]  
You were a little shit, you know that right?  
But our little shit.  
  
[18:44]  
My little shit.

**_< Delivered>_ **

  
  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **DEC 23, 2017**

 

[03:17]  
I miss you.

**_< Delivered>_ **

  
  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **DEC 25, 2017**

   
  
[17:36]  
We’re all together today.  
  
[17:37]  
Minhyuk cooked.  
Or tried.  
I think he was scared to bother me with it.  
  
[17:38]  
It feels a little empty  
And we can all feel it.  
We can all feel something’s missing.  
You’re missing.  
  
[17:39]  
I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this, Changkyun.  
  
[17:40]  
I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep pretending I’m fine without you.  
And everyone keeps looking at me like they don't expect me to.

**_< Delivered>_ **

  
  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **DEC 31, 2017**

 

[23:23]  
I thought I’d be okay.  
I thought I could do this.  
  
[23:24]  
Smile and pretend I’m okay.  
Smile and ring in the New Year.  
  
[23:25]  
And I can’t.  
  
[23:26]  
I thought I was doing better.  
  
[23:27]  
And I am.  
  
[23:28]  
I think.  
  
[23:29]  
I hope.  
  
[23:30]  
I caught Minhyuk crying in the bathroom earlier.  
I don’t think he thought any of us would notice.  
  
[23:31]  
I think we were all trying to pretend we were fine.  
Like nothing was missing.  
  
[23:32]  
But something is.  
You are.  
  
[23:33]  
How are we supposed to be okay and reflect on everything when such a huge chunk of our world is gone?  
  
[23:34]  
I keep thinking of those stupid stars back in my room.  
And how much comfort they’ve brought me.  
And how staring up at the real ones waiting for fireworks is tearing me apart.  
  
[23:35]  
This is what you would want, right?  
For us to move on?  
Not to forget  
But to continue?  
  
[23:36]  
I don’t think I can do that.  
I don’t think I can do this without you.

**_< Delivered>_ **

  
  


**+82 2 514 1122  
** **JAN 2, 2018**

 

[04:24]  
I can’t do this anymore.  
  
[04:25]  
Every time I reach out  
Even if I’m just pretending  
I think I lose a little piece of any closure I’ve found.  
  
[04:26]  
Hyungwon found out I’ve been texting your number.  
And to his credit, he didn’t say anything.  
But I could see it in his eyes  
How sad he looked.  
  
[04:27]  
But not sad about you.  
Sad about me.  
  
[04:28]  
Sad like I should be doing better than I am.  
Sad like somehow he knew, but this just proves things.  
  
[04:29]  
If that’s even a fraction of how sad I look when I think about you  
I know I’m pulling everyone else down with me.  
  
[04:32]  
I know I can’t stop completely.  
That’s not realistic for me.  
But I can’t keep doing this  
I can’t keep-  
  
[04:38]  
Pining.  
  
[05:01]  
I took the stars down last night.  
Scraped them all off.  
I was right, by the way.  
They left stains on the paint.  
  
[05:02]  
So even if I took them down, there’s still stars up there.  
Little shadows.  
They don’t glow  
But they’re still stars.  
  
[05:04]  
Is that what you’ve done to me?  
You’re gone  
But you’ve still left this mark?  
This mark I can’t get rid of.  
You but not you at the same time?  
  
[05:05]  
Some days I’m so angry  
And I hurt so much  
And other days I just feel hollow?  
  
[05:06]  
How can I move on if I keep pretending?

 

**_< READ, JAN 2, 2018 - 05:07>_ **

**Author's Note:**

> If you feel the need to scream at me (I screamed at myself), you can find me on my[ Twitter](https://twitter.com/neonnightlites)~
> 
> Formatting this was a nightmare. I did my best with the time stamps and everything. Sorry if there are any mistakes!


End file.
